If You're Not The One
by Crimson1
Summary: A songfic, though so much more than just a few altered lyrics to show a very desperate Tsuzuki deciding it is time to show Hisoka the past no one has ever seen. Is Tsuzuki really the monster he believes himself to be? TsuxHi! R&R!


IF YOU'RE NOT THE ONE

* * *

Long days at his desk have never been something favored by Tsuzuki Asato, but being partnered with such a diligent young man has taught him perhaps a little of the value of a hard day's work.

Only a little...

"Mou...Hisoka, it's time to call it a night, ne? Can we go home now, onegai?"

Stretching high above his head, Tsuzuki leans back in his chair, peering at his partner, Kurosaki Hisoka, from an upside-down perspective. Amusingly, the younger shinigami is sound asleep at his desk, having fallen into dreamland only a few minutes before.

The two of them are the only ones burning the midnight oil tonight, and only because Hisoka had demanded Tsuzuki help him catch up on all the files the brunette has repeatedly been setting aside. The irony, of course, is that Hisoka is the one who couldn't make it till closing time, now breathing deeply within the first few stages of sleep.

/If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today/

Tsuzuki nearly topples over backwards, finding the sight so unbearably adorable. He can't help smirking at the deceivingly gentle picture, painted so perfectly by the image of his slumbering partner. Somehow, Hisoka never fails to brighten his spirits.

Standing from his desk, Tsuzuki swiftly turns off the remaining office lights, and then slips carefully over to Hisoka and lifts him out of his chair, carrying him like a child, though Hisoka long ago surpassed the ages that would qualify him for such a title. He is rapidly reaching his mid-20's, after all, even though his body remains that of a 16 year old boy.

"You're more mature than me." Tsuzuki snickers, pondering Hisoka's size compared to his actual age. "I'm old enough to be your great-grandfather, but half the time...you're the one taking care of me...even if I _do_ have to carry you to bed once in a while."

/If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way/

As Tsuzuki carries Hisoka from the office to the connecting apartment buildings of the Meifu workers, the boy shifts every so often within his powerful hold, turning in his sleep. Tsuzuki grins every time, adoring the closeness of having Hisoka so tightly against him. They aren't like lovers who hold hands while strolling down a deserted beach, but they certainly fit together better than any pairing JuOhCho has ever seen.

All too soon, they reach Hisoka's apartment, conveniently just down the hall from Tsuzuki's. Still with the slumbering boy in his arms, Tsuzuki enters, carrying his partner the last few steps to the boy's bed. In his attempt to lay Hisoka down, however, the young blonde unconsciously clings to him - possessively - not wanting to lose that rare contact of limbs and skin and...possibility.

/If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call/

Tsuzuki wants to laugh and cry at the same time. Hisoka does not want to let go, but only because he is sleeping. If he were awake he would never allow such a thing. He would push Tsuzuki away, call him "baka", and sulk for the remainder of the night.

It doesn't matter to Tsuzuki, though. He accepts what is given as it is given, and never takes any moment with Hisoka for granted. One moment, after all, was all it took for Hisoka to save him.

/If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all/

Prying the boy's hands from his shirt, Tsuzuki manages to lay Hisoka down, though the blonde's mood changes immediately, shifting him uncomfortably in his sleep. Such haphazard movement causes one of his sleeves to ride up just enough to reveal remnants of blood-red writing, as if it is carved directly into his pale skin.

"Muraki..." Tsuzuki whispers darkly, staring hard at the visible curse still holding claim over Hisoka's body. He can't help thinking of the man who caused it. A man who caused insurmountably more.

/I never know what the future brings  
But I know you're here with me now/

Muraki took everything from them time and time again, and he is out there still, waiting to strike when they are least prepared. The thought frightens Tsuzuki more than he would ever admit. But despite any and all fears he may have, he longs to believe he can conquer anything as long as he and Hisoka are together.

/We'll make it through  
And I hope you are the one I share my life with/

Together. _That_ is where Tsuzuki's theory begins to transform from uplifting to disheartening. Truthfully, what Tsuzuki is most worried about...is himself. He is downright terrified that when the time comes to face Muraki again, he will not be strong enough to fight back. Again.

"Kuso!" the brunette curses hoarsely under his breath. "Why am I thinking about this? That bastard just keeps thrusting his way into our lives and crushes whatever we have been able to rebuild of ourselves, even without ever being near us. Why can't it just be me and Hisoka? Why can't I just carry him to bed...and never once think about what he went through...what Muraki did to him...what Muraki keeps trying to do...to me...? Why? Why..."

/If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed/

Tsuzuki falls to his knees beside Hisoka's bed and weeps, honestly and helplessly weeps for all he believes he will lose. "...'Soka...I'm such a child...crying over nothing...but...knowing I could lose you...lose you to _him_...lose myself...to him..." His tears get the better of him, and all the nostalgic calm that had risen in him boils down to nothing.

What if Hisoka can't help him? What if Tsuzuki is all alone? Or...even with Hisoka right beside him...what if Tsuzuki can't be reached the next time Muraki appears?

/If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head/

When Tsuzuki is happy, he thinks of all the times he has come this close to getting Hisoka to smile. When he is angry, he imagines his rage towards Muraki for the cruelty that man inflicted upon Hisoka all those years ago. When he is sad...he remembers how close he came to losing everything in Kyoto, and how Hisoka was the only thing capable of bringing him back.

How can he ever hope to defeat Muraki when he is so weak on his own?

/If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life/

Right now, finding himself only inches from his partner, Tsuzuki feels completely cut off, as if he has never been more distant from Hisoka than he is at this moment. What can he possibly do to ensure Muraki won't tear them apart?

All he wants is Hisoka. All he needs is Hisoka.

/If you're not for me then why do I dream of you by my side/

Perhaps the only way he can face the coming challenge is if he risks losing Hisoka all together. Perhaps what he has to do is the very last thing he ever thought he could.

Let Hisoka in.

Allowing Hisoka inside his heart would mean more than just expressing emotion, it would mean granting access to parts of Tsuzuki even the brunette himself has trouble facing.

During the events of Kyoto, the pair promised to exist for each other, but can they truly accomplish that without understanding each other fully? Tsuzuki knows Hisoka inside and out, but Hisoka has never been granted that same opportunity. The problem with changing this fact is that allowing such a thing might endanger the very foundation of all they have achieved and built upon each other. Tsuzuki might lose everything, even without Muraki there to take it away.

/I don't know why you're so far away  
But I know that this much is true/

"Hisoka...you called me a hypocrite for keeping things from you...but would you still care for me if you knew what I was hiding...?"

Hisoka does not stir at the sound of Tsuzuki's melancholy voice, settled much more comfortably now within his bed. What is about to be forced upon him, however, will surely bring his peaceful slumber to an end.

Sitting up more fully on his knees, Tsuzuki leans over Hisoka's small frame. With liquid-slow movements, he extends a hand towards Hisoka's exposed arm, and hovers there, inches from contact.

"Forgive me...'Soka...but even risking everything...I'd rather have you know every part of me...because...because I don't want to give in to him...but the only way...I know I won't...is if I can be sure I have something to hold onto."

Lightening fast, Tsuzuki clamps his hand down, grabbing Hisoka's wrist fiercely, while pulling back every last mental shield he has.

/We'll make it through  
And I hope that you're the one I share my life with/

Hisoka's eyes spring open, overcome by this sudden wave of Tsuzuki's repressed emotions and memories that are now surging into him. It is a sensation more potent than anything the young empath has ever experienced.

"Tsu...zu...ki...what are doing...stop it!" Hisoka cries, arching back as he desperately attempts to pry his arm out of his partner's hold. "...stop...please..."

But it is as if Tsuzuki cannot hear him, for the brunette merely holds his hand in place, eyes closed, with a hauntingly resigned expression.

/And I wish that you could be the one I die with/

Once again, Hisoka's body bucks upwards, and he closes his eyes, drawn in to the many images flooding his senses.

There is a young boy running wildly from a group of children who want nothing more than to beat on him for being different. That boy is so frightened, so alone, longing only to be apart of something, anything that might accept him. He doesn't want to be different, but he knows there is nothing he can do to change what he is. His family treats him with love and kindness, but it is not enough to distill the hatred of those who would just as soon see him hung from the tallest tree as look at him.

Hisoka has seen all this before. He has felt this pain, known this ache in Tsuzuki's heart. But this is not everything there is to see.

The images change, and the boy is surrounded by more than just children. Almost the entire town has come out to persecute him, and his family is unaware and unable to help him. The boy pleads and cries to be left alone, swearing he is a normal, human child, just like all the others, but they will hear none of it. They continue to beat and taunt him, merciless, foolish in their hatred.

All of this is far more than they have ever dared do to the poor boy before, and this time, this night, what they all hate in him is about to be unleashed.

Hisoka can sense it coming, sense the unfamiliar malice within such a familiar power. It feels wrong. It feels like...like the power of something not quite human. It does not, in any respect, feel like Tsuzuki. But it is.

"Tsuzuki...please...I don't want to feel this...it's too much..." Hisoka pleads, eyes wide once again, though seeing nothing other than the image of that young boy preparing to exact revenge. "It isn't real...it didn't happen...you would never...never do this..."

And then it begins. That little boy, that young persona of Tsuzuki, is no longer himself. His eyes blaze a piercing violet, and the expression on such a youthful face…is horrific. It isn't that of a boy; it's that of a monster.

"Stop!" Hisoka screams, eyes clenched shut now, praying he can somehow banish these rapidly playing images, searing around and through him, cutting like dull knives into veins he long ago left scarred from countless encounters with regret.

Tsuzuki never once lets go. He, too, is seeing it all again. He, too, is reliving every act of violence. He sees himself slaughtering hundreds - the entire town - and even his own family, the family that loved him and never looked at him as anything less than their dear, cherished Asato.

At the time, Tsuzuki had been so immersed in hatred and the underlying powers of his darker side, he hadn't realize what he was doing until it was too late. Oh, he loved it. That much cannot be disputed no matter how revolting it may seem. The screams of the children and their hateful parents rising from clouds of smoke - it was beautiful. But when he realized he had taken those that loved him down with the rest…

(I loved you like you were my own child...)

(...doushite, itouto-chan...doushite...)

(I wanted nothing more than to love you...Asato...my son...my...son...)

"YAMETE!" screeches Hisoka's high-pitched tones, consumed. Consumed.

At last, Tsuzuki complies, releasing Hisoka's burning wrist, but finds he is unable to look down at the horror-stricken face of his partner.

/I hope I love you all my life/

"Gomen nasai...Hisoka..." Tsuzuki chokes out through racking sobs. "...you wanted to know...you wanted to know once...so there it is...that's what I've been hiding from you...to keep you from hating me..." Tsuzuki nearly breaks into sobs again, still with his damp eyes cast to the floor.

As for the young blonde, his breathing is slowly returning to normal, but the remnants of Tsuzuki - what Tsuzuki experienced, what he did - are now all a part of Hisoka.

And he can never escape that.

"Kisama..." Hisoka growls, and in the space of heartbeat, he pulls back a fist...and strikes.

Toppling over onto the floor, Tsuzuki stares up in utter shock, holding his injured jaw as if he has forgotten it ever existed. It had been an unexpected act, to be sure, but one Tsuzuki ultimately feels he deserves, and he has no intention of fighting back.

"How dare you!" Hisoka cries, his face marred with rage and bitterness. "How dare you force that inside me? Do you have any idea what it feels like to experience something like that all at once, with no barriers protecting me? I felt _everything_. How dare you violate me like that--"

"Stop...please, don't say that." Tsuzuki cuts in, despising any correlation between himself and Muraki. "...I know you can't understand...but I needed you to know...I needed you to truly know what I am...what I did...before I could believe…I had the right to…keep living for you..."

Hisoka stares, not yet comprehending what all this means. Naturally, Tsuzuki takes it to mean that he had been right all along.

"Hate me then. I risked this outcome the moment I touched you. But I couldn't keep pretending everything was okay. Not with you. Not when I..." his voice cracks, unable and unwilling to finish what he had been about to say.

/I don't want to run away but I can't take it  
I don't understand  
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am  
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms/

Tsuzuki is out the door and down the hall before Hisoka can say another word. As if his feet have suddenly grown wings, Tsuzuki reaches the comfort of his own bed in record time, bawling hopelessly into his pillow.

Why had he bothered? Why had he done such a thing _now_ when the pair had survived fine without it? Why? If Hisoka had only done the impossible and embraced Tsuzuki for his mistakes, Tsuzuki may have believed it was all worth it. Now, however, he believes his age-old fear that anyone who knows his dark secret will hate him and never look at him the same way again.

/'Cause I miss you,

body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away/

Knock. Knock. "Open the door, baka!" demands Hisoka's irritated tone from behind the door Tsuzuki had so forcibly slammed shut.

"Leave me alone! I don't want to see you! I can't bear to see you...hating me..."

"I don't hate you, damn it! Just open the door!" he calls again, adamant and unmoving. "Do you actually think I'm going to just forget all this and go to bed after what you showed me? Let me in. Please..."

Lifting his heavy head from the crook of his arm, Tsuzuki turns back to the door, pondering very closely Hisoka's switch in tone. Please? That word sounded misplaced, desperate, and...not like Hisoka at all. At least, not like the rampant Hisoka that _should_ be on the other side of that door.

/And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today/

Wearily, Tsuzuki gets out of bed and sulks across the carpet, opening the door just enough to peer out at Hisoka's stern face.

Hisoka instantly pushes the door open completely, unbalancing Tsuzuki as the older man stumbles back. He looks truly pitiful and deceptively young, looking at Hisoka with eyes that can't quite keep contact, and an expression of utter loss.

"Stop this right now!" Hisoka barks, shutting the door behind him as he enters, and backing Tsuzuki farther into the room. "Stop acting like a victim when you're not. You don't _do_ things like that to people, Tsuzuki. I can't believe you."

"What does it matter?" Tsuzuki bites in return, bitterly holding back his remaining tears. "Are you really mad because of what I did, or because of what I forced you to see?"

Skeptically, Hisoka tenses, sensing where this may be heading. "What are you talking about?"

"Just admit it! I know what you think of me. I showed you what I really am. I'm a demon. I'm...a murderer. You felt what I felt. You said so yourself. You had to have felt the...pleasure I took...in what I did. I know it sickened you. It doesn't matter if you once believed I was human; you know the truth now. It's just easier to blame your feelings on anger instead of...disgust."

A moment of frigid silence. And then... "Bullshit."

Tsuzuki blanches, thrown off guard enough to nearly unbalance his footing. "Na...nani?"

Gradually, Hisoka advances on his partner, backing him more and more towards the far end of the room. "You heard me. The truth is, I can't even be properly mad at you; you're so damn pitiful when you're like this. As for your theory...what the hell do you know about how _I_ feel? I'm the empath here, ne? I won't lie and say it didn't scare me half to death feeling emotions like that coming from you. But...I can't be disgusted by you, Tsuzuki. Every ounce of your cruelty and fury was completely overwhelmed by how much sorrow your actions brought you. Maybe half of you _is_ made of that darkness, but the half I know, the half that has been my partner all these years has the largest heart out of anyone I have ever met. Darkness or not...nothing will ever change who you are to me, Tsuzuki. And you are _not_ a demon. You're my friend. Or...at least I thought you were..."

Hisoka turns right on his heels then, leaving Tsuzuki flush against the far wall, and heads for the door. He said what he came to say. What more can be done?

Halfway to the door, however, Hisoka begins to slow his pace, hoping Tsuzuki will call to stop him. Miraculously, his hopes are not in vain.

"Matte...Hisoka..." Tsuzuki whispers. "I...I just…" He swallows, regaining his last remnants of pride. "I shouldn't have done what I did. I should have just...told you the truth. The reason I didn't was because...I thought the only way you could ever really understand...was if you felt it, too. That was selfish of me, I know, but...please…please don't hate me. I...don't want to be alone anymore..."

"You are never alone, Tsuzuki." Hisoka expresses, far more deeply than he would usually allow, which causes him to blush bright red the second that heartfelt sentiment leaves his mouth. "You...don't have to be alone...even with the scars of your past. And...I hope you know I won't look at you any differently because of what I saw. You are you. That's enough for me."

Tsuzuki has cried countless tears in the past, and he has shed his fair share tonight as well, but they fall again, this time because his heart is swelling to the point of eruption, pouring out through the only release it knows.

/'Cause I love you  
whether it's wrong or right  
and if I can't be with you tonight  
know my heart is by your side/

Crossing back to bridge the gap between them, Hisoka tentatively pulls Tsuzuki in, and the brunette follows the action through, flying into his partner's waiting arms. As is so often the case, their roles are not what one would expect. The elder is the child, and the child is the one meant to nurture, even if he knows so little of nurturing.

"Gomen...'Soka..." Tsuzuki whimpers into the demure young man's shoulder. "All I need...is to be with you...to know you still care even after what I did. Now...now I know I can face him. I won't ever give in. I promise."

Hisoka's entire body stiffens, and he pulls back, eyeing Tsuzuki with indecipherable scrutiny. "Give in...to _him_. You mean...this was all because of...Muraki?"

"...hai."

"But...what made you think of him?"

Considering a human being always looks at the exact spot they are hoping to avoid looking, Tsuzuki tells Hisoka without having to say a word.

Following the brunette's gaze, Hisoka looks down at his own arm - at the sleeve pulled slightly back - and glares at the lingering curse, and at how he may never find a way to be free of it. "I can't ever escape him, can I? Even _you_ are reminded of him when you look at me..."

"Reminded of how much I hate that man for what he did. That's all." Tsuzuki reassures. "It doesn't matter now. Those marks mean nothing to me. Unless...they don't hurt you, do they?"

"...not anymore."

"Then forget them when they show themselves. We are stronger than him as long as we're together. Your faith in me is proof enough of that, and my faith in you will never be questioned again. We're partners, ne?"

The frown that had settled so easily on Hisoka's face finds itself replaced with the smallest traces of a smile, and Tsuzuki thinks it the most miraculous event yet.

Perhaps tonight is not a disaster after all, but a chance for leaning on one another.

"Hisoka...would you...stay with me tonight?"

Hisoka pales instantly, and steps away from Tsuzuki, terrified at the implications in that statement. "I...I can't...I don't...please...please don't--"

"Hisoka, it's alright. I'm not going to molest you." Tsuzuki laughs. "I just want to...have you close. Like...when we're on assignment and Tatsumi gives us a horrible hotel. Sometimes our beds are so closely laid on the floor, it's almost as if we're in the same bed, ne? I know I complain, but...the truth is...I like that better than being in a fancier place. I like being near you, 'Soka. I don't mean to scare you, I just...want to feel you close to me."

A small voice inside Hisoka's head is still telling him to run, to escape something that foolishly reminds of what was done to him as a child, but the part of him that returns Tsuzuki's feelings and understands that Tsuzuki would never hurt him that way, holds him steady.

Often has Hisoka longed for the comfort of a warm body at night, but fear and circumstance has kept him from ever even daring to ask such a thing of anyone. He would be completely vulnerable, just as he was when Tsuzuki brought him to bed tonight...and showed him the truth.

"I believe you." Hisoka breathes, his voice hitching with emotion. "I know you would never do what that man did to me, but...I'm...I'm afraid...afraid to lose myself in you. Being that close...it's so much. All of my defenses are down when I sleep. The reason what Muraki did to me was on a scale beyond any other case of...rape...was because he broke through those barriers and forced me to feel everything on every level. I…just...I just..."

"Fear being so open and exposed without having any control." Tsuzuki finishes, with a look that expresses love on every one of those stolen levels.

Hisoka stares hard at Tsuzuki's kind, calmed expression, and somehow all his fears seem so very pointless, especially after the honest logic of those evenly spoken words. "I trust you, Tsuzuki." Hisoka states slowly, almost as if to reassure himself. "If...if you trust me, too, then maybe...maybe it's okay to feel exposed. You exposed yourself to me, and I still accept you. It's only fair that I offer the same, ne? Not out of obligation, but...because I want to. I want to be close to you, too. So...yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes...I'll stay with you tonight."

Resolutely, Hisoka walks forward, back into Tsuzuki's abandoned arms, and lays his head exhaustedly against the older shinigami's chest.

Tsuzuki places a hand lovingly at the back of Hisoka's head, cradling the youth against him and offering the warmth only a loved one can provide.

"Hisoka...please, don't be scared, but...there's something else I need to tell you." Unable to bear the sight of Hisoka's anxious face, Tsuzuki presses the boy more firmly against him, holding him close as he bends his head to speak softly beside Hisoka's ear. "The reason I want you stay with me...is because...I love you."

Tsuzuki hears the audible gasp that leaves Hisoka's lips, but although the younger man does tense somewhat, he makes no move to free himself from Tsuzuki's hold. Instead, he buries his face deeper into Tsuzuki's firm chest, and begins to cry softly, dampening the thin cloth of Tsuzuki's shirt.

Tsuzuki does not know quite how to take this.

"Tsu...zuki..." the young blonde whimpers, so obviously already exposed in so many ways before his partner. "No one...no one has ever...said that to me..."

"Never? No one has ever told you that they loved you?"

Shaking his head in response, Hisoka continues to sob, holding more fiercely to Tsuzuki's waist than could possibly be comfortable for either of them. "Not until _you_. You...you're the only one...the only person...who has ever loved me...the only person I would ever believe if they said it...and...and I love you, too. So much. So much more than I allow myself to believe. God, I love you, Tsuzuki, for all the mistakes, and all the annoying habits, and even what you showed me tonight. I love you...I love you..."

These words have come out in such a rush, Hisoka has to stop to breathe, having nearly forgotten to. Then, suddenly, Hisoka begins to feel an odd dampness landing on top of his head, and he immediately recognizes that Tsuzuki is crying with him.

After all, Hisoka has said the one thing Tsuzuki wanted to hear.

"If not you, Hisoka, who else could I love this much?" Tsuzuki cries, pulling Hisoka away from him just enough for them to finally look each other in the eyes. "If you're not the one...who else could it be? Arigato, 'Soka. Now you know every secret, and I know yours. And together...we are stronger than anything Muraki will ever fight against. I promise you. I promise I will never let you go..."

/Is there any way that I can stay in your arms.../

owari

A/N: I've been working on this forever and it is finally finished. I hope it is to everyone's liking. I know, no kiss or lemon, but...it gave what it was meant to.

Ja!

Crimson (the one and only, by the way, not Crimson1. grrrrrrrr)


End file.
